Experiencing BDSM means joy, ecstasy and intimacy. At the same time, our inclinations come with a lot of responsibility and mental challenges. Things don’t always go smoothly. Even if a session runs safely and all borders and limits are observed, a so-called crash can occur. This is an extremely negative emotional state that can be caused by various factors. On the dominant side one speaks of a dom drop or top drop.
Why is there a dom drop?
In a power imbalance, a lot is demanded of a dominant person . Top is – not only, but also – responsible for ensuring that the session runs safely and that limits are observed. It is his or her job to guide the sub and regulate the intensity of the practices . Of course, things can’t always go perfectly. We are all human, make mistakes and sometimes misjudge a situation.
But the misjudgment of a top results in the sub experiencing unwanted suffering, which can quickly gnaw at the psyche . If the safe word is even pronounced and/or the session is broken off, it can feel particularly bad for Top. Unfortunately, as a Dom:me, you quickly claim to be infallible. If this image crumbles and one has the feeling that one has not lived up to one’s own role , this leads to insecurity, self-doubt and self-reproach. A top drop occurs.
Misconduct is rarely done with malicious intent. It’s often because you’ve worked your way up together, are emulating a plan or overlooked small signs.
The feeling of inadequacy
Both physically and mentally, we’re not in the best shape every day . As a cathedral, you also have to perform quite a bit physically in many practices. Especially when one is inferior in power to Sub, it can happen that Dom doubts his or her own abilities. Likewise, some days you just can’t find the right words, knot the ropes perfectly right away , or be sexually aroused. These things can also trigger a drop.
A bad conscience
Another cause of an emotional crash in a Dom can be pangs of conscience. It is firmly anchored in our minds that it is wrong to hurt others physically or mentally. Violence is seen as something negative and you shouldn’t have any friends with it, let alone arousal. But in BDSM – especially in sadomasochistic practices – that’s exactly what we do.
We act contrary to societal norms . We break taboos. Sub enjoys things that if we did to another human would cause great suffering. Seen from the outside, Dom takes on the role of the perpetrator: inside. It takes a lot for a top person to differentiate between consensual violence and humiliation for themselves. Despite consensus , it is not a matter of course to always be at peace with oneself.
What caused great fun and excitement during the game can, when viewed soberly, cause discomfort and remorse, up to and including a dom drop. “What have I done there? Can I like something like this? Am I a bad human?” to “Does my partner still love me as much as before? Did I scare Sub?” Such thoughts are extremely distressing.
What can you do about a dom drop?
Better safe than sorry. Don’t just speak in principle, but repeat your mutual consensus and where your limits are. You should also ask certain questions directly before playing , such as how you are on the day and your current wishes and needs . This gives the top person security and confirmation. In addition, aftercare after the session is also very important for Dom:mes for mental balance. Kind of like reassurance that whatever just happened was okay.
Nevertheless, despite all caution, a crash can happen. Be aware that such downs are human and should not be ashamed or justified. How to deal with a dom drop not to generalize. Every interpersonal relationship is different and needs in emotional, sensitive situations are individual. It also helps to be aware that the condition is mainly due to a biochemical phenomenon, namely a strong hormonal drop.
It is often helpful to expressly state the agreement again . Do not leave your partner alone with the belief and feelings that he or she has done something wrong, but catch him or her. Bottom should understand and listen. For some, communication can be very helpful. For the others, non-verbal, physical reassurance is needed. You can find some other approaches to deal with this situation here . Also note that a drop can also be delayed, say days or even weeks later, or triggered by a trigger. In an emergency, you can always turn to a BDSM help center. Whence a drop on the submissive side, so a so-calledSub-Drop can come, you can find out here .