Discussing sex, desires, and fantasies isn’t exactly commonplace. Some shy away because it’s seen as less sexy if it’s not entirely spontaneous, while others fear rejection when opening up about their intimate thoughts. Societal norms contribute to our own feelings of shame, and if you’re delving into the realm of BDSM and kink, the conversation can become even more complex.
Approaching this topic with someone new or a long-term partner can be challenging, mainly because we’re often unsure of their feelings about it. Whether you’re curious and want to explore BDSM or already have experience and want to introduce BDSM to a new partner, the central question remains: How do you bring it up?
The good news is that initiating this conversation doesn’t cost anything, but it requires a respectful approach that respects the other person’s boundaries. Here are five tips on how to broach the subject of BDSM with your partner.
Understanding Their Feelings
Don’t assume someone is open to BDSM. Ask them how they feel about the topic and if they are comfortable discussing it. Only proceed if you receive a clear “yes” and share why you’re bringing it up.
Springing the topic on someone without warning might trigger discomfort. If the person isn’t interested, respect their feelings. If there’s no response, avoid pressing the issue. For instance, you could say, “I mentioned BDSM earlier, but if it’s not your thing, that’s okay. I just wanted to check if you’d be open to exploring it together.”
Remember, consent starts with communication. Pushing your desires aggressively signals a disregard for their safety and comfort.
Starting the Conversation: Phrases to Use
Initiating this conversation without crossing boundaries is key. For instance, you might say, “I’ve been exploring BDSM and kinky sex in my reading lately. What are your thoughts?” This provides a safe introduction. Another approach could be, “Have you ever considered trying BDSM?”
In existing relationships, approaching the topic requires extra care. You could express it as, “Our sex life is great, but I’m a bit curious about trying something from the BDSM realm. How do you feel about that?” Being cautious is crucial to avoid creating uncertainty for your partner.
Considering the prevalence of BDSM in media, suggesting a film or sharing an image on social media can serve as a bridge. For instance, “I came across this film that explores BDSM. Interested in checking it out together?” This approach helps your partner feel involved rather than directly confronted.
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Curiosity, Not Demands
When broaching the topic, it’s crucial to approach it with curiosity, not demands. Avoid making assumptions about someone’s submissive or dominant tendencies. Never start a conversation with the assumption that someone is already your sub or dom.
Instead, inquire whether the person has any prior experience with BDSM. Ask whether they identify with any particular roles or if they feel an inclination towards exploring one. This opens up a dialogue without imposing predefined roles, fostering a more open and consensual discussion.
Prioritize People
It’s essential to remember that even if someone discloses their dominant or submissive tendencies, it doesn’t establish an immediate power imbalance. The person you’re conversing with—whether a new acquaintance or a long-term partner—is not merely a means to fulfill your desires. Instead, they are an individual with their own set of needs, preferences, and boundaries waiting to be explored.
Show respect by avoiding the reduction of the person to a mere object of desire. Shift the focus of the conversation away from just sex or kink and concentrate on understanding the person. The better you grasp each other as individuals, the richer and more fulfilling your shared experiences will become.
Explore BDSM Playfully
So, you’ve opened the door to trying BDSM, and now it’s time to step inside. However, caution is key! Leaping straight into elaborate fantasies can overwhelm your partner, even if they’re experienced. Instead, ease into the conversation. Share your own experiences by saying, “I’ve tried something like that before, and I enjoyed it. How do you feel about it?” Or try, “I came across a scene in a movie where someone was being choked, and it seemed to create an intense connection. Is that something you find interesting?”
You can keep it lighthearted by introducing games for couples or taking a BDSM compatibility test together to compare results. Another option is to visit a sex shop jointly, exploring toys and discussing their potential uses.
