Let’s start at the beginning: BDSM stands for Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, and Sadism & Masochism. It’s all about a certain form of power and submission that is often (but not necessarily) acted out in sexuality.
1 Good to know: The basic terms of BDSM
The world of BDSM has its own language. So before you get started, you should have a few basic concepts down. We have summarized the most important ones for you:
- Bondage: bondage games – tie your lover up or let him tie you up.
- Discipline: Punishment follows disobedience.
- Dominance: The exercise of power.
- Submission: Voluntarily surrendering to partner’s power.
- Sadism: When you inflict pain on your lover and enjoy it.
- Masochism: When you enjoy being hurt.
- Dom: The dominant partner who holds the reins during BDSM play.
- Sub: The sub submits to the Dom and follows its rules.
- Switch: Someone who enjoys switching between submissive and dominant roles.
2 BDSM IN EVERYDAY SEX LIFE
Most couples experiment with soft BDSM and stick with the softer variant. Here the risk of injury is much lower, and the inhibition thresholds are not as high.
Soft BDSM is by no means an inferior form of BDSM. You don’t necessarily have to wrap yourself completely in paint and latex. The focus is on the relationship between power and devotion. This can already be shown in small gestures, which will sound familiar to you, such as fingernails leaving scratch marks on the back. Or one or the other specific request, leading your partner in the effect of lovemaking, when you grab your lover’s hair and put his head between your thighs. These are all the first little gimmicks with dominance and submission. When you decide to take a step further into BDSM, it’s important that you set your boundaries – yours and your lover’s. Respect and trust are particularly important in BDSM.
In BDSM, that means SSC. This stands for Safe, Sane, and Consensual. Translated, this means “safe, reasonable and together” This has an important meaning:
Safe
Does not pose a (health) risk. Always keep in mind that you could also hurt each other and do everything you can to prevent that from happening. That also means: If you tie each other up with strings, always have a pair of scissors nearby.
Reasonable
Stay sober. Avoid alcohol and any kind of drugs. This is the only way you can realistically assess the risks. After all, this is not just about you but also about your partner.
Together
In BDSM, as in any other sexual variety, the focus should be on having fun for everyone. Therefore, everything should only happen with the consent of all parties involved. While the Dom is in charge, he doesn’t do anything that goes against the sub’s will. For this, you should agree on a code word used when a limit is crossed.
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3 ATTENTION! MAKE SURE TO CHOOSE A CODE WORD!
For fun to start, you need a code word. The code word is primarily used for the safety of the sub. If a limit is crossed or the sub can’t take the pain any longer, he can call out the code word, and it’s game over immediately. This is not only for safety but also for fun. After all, you can only be so sure that both partners are still having fun and don’t have to constantly ask yourself how far you can go.
It is best to choose a code word that has nothing to do with BDSM. Words like “mercy,” “stop,” or “no” are not suitable because they are common vocabulary in BDSM games. So rather agree on a word that has nothing to do with the topic. We have a few examples for you:
- One color (Red, Yellow, or Purple…)
- Fruit or vegetables (apple, banana, or broccoli…)
- An everyday object (pencil, pen, printer…)
Choose the simplest possible code word. After all, it should come to you when the going gets tough. If you have to think for a long time beforehand, it can have very unpleasant consequences.
Once you agree on a code word, stick to it. This means that if the sub says the code word and assists, the dom will stop everything immediately. The game is then immediately over. Everything else is an abuse of power and has nothing to do with BDSM.
Choose a simple word that is easy to understand; then, there will be no misunderstandings.
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4 BDSM FOR BEGINNERS-TIPS
BDSM is versatile. It is, therefore, worth examining the individual letters together.
4.1 B FOR BONDAGE
Bondage stands for the art of tying up. The freedom of movement of the sub is restricted to such an extent that he can no longer perform certain actions, like using his hands or leaving the bedroom. Handcuffs are probably the most common. However, anyone who is at home in the world of bondage will know that it can be much more artistic, for example, with cords and ropes.
From soft to hard – this is how bondage works:
Bondage with clothing
Do you want to tie your lover’s hands behind his back but don’t have a rope to hand? Try it with your tights or a bra. You can also use his tie; it’s nice and tight. But make sure that you can undo the knot again. Otherwise, you will have to cut the garment in the end. It would be a shame if it caught your favorite part.
From cute to naughty, everything is included here too. Whether your handcuffs should be covered with plush or made of leather is up to you. If you use handcuffs with a lock, make sure the key is always within reach.
Cloth bondage
Maybe a towel? Or the tights that are lying on the bedroom floor right now? Just take what you have on hand. The advantage of cloth is that it is usually softer than rope or handcuffs. You will be amazed at the bondage items your household can give away.
Bondage with ropes
Your household provides some materials for an extended bondage session. You just have to keep your eyes open. A clothesline, for example, can be transformed into a tear-resistant bondage rope in no time at all. Or go to the hardware store together. There you will find many different ropes that you can have cut to size. Don’t pay attention to every meter. Nothing is more frustrating than a bondage rope that is too short. Here are some tips on ropes and knotting techniques.
However you choose to tie yourself in the future, always make sure that security is in place. Scissors or keys should always be within reach.
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Is your lover connected in front of you? Then we have a few ideas about what you could do with him.
Start with a gentle stroke.
With your hands, with a feather duster, a feather, or your hairbrush … your imagination is the limit, do what you feel like.
Steal his sight
When your lover can’t see anything, each of your touches becomes a surprise and, therefore, even more intense. Build up the excitement, and don’t let him know what’s next.
Time for a massage
So your lover is tied up and motionless at your feet. You should definitely take advantage of that. Pamper him with a gentle massage, touch him in places where you always wanted to touch him, and savor it to the full. For an extra tingle, you should definitely try a massage candle. The hot wax turns into silky, warm massage oil, ideal for intense soft BDSM play.
Push him to the extreme
Edging is the keyword – spoil your partner with a tender massage and bring him to the brink of orgasm again and again, but don’t let him come. This will drive him mad with lust – and there’s nothing he can do about it. You alone decide when you’ve played with him enough, the tension is high enough, and he’s finally allowed to come. But one thing is certain: he will never forget this orgasm!
Feed your lover The way
to the heart is through the stomach. And it can be so sensual to be fed. Small pieces of fruit with chocolate or a glass of sparkling wine ensure tingling foreplay. But be careful with the alcohol. After all, you want to keep a clear head.
Put on a show
Your lover is tied up and can’t move? Time for a really hot show! Out of his reach, of course. Just let him watch. It’s going to drive him insane. You alone decide whether he is allowed to touch himself or you. Also, whether he is allowed to have an orgasm is entirely up to you!
You tied up your lover and want to go one step further? Then take a suitable love toy to hand. This can be a vibrator with which you spoil your motionless lover, but it can also simply be a sensual massage candle whose wax turns into a wonderfully warm oil. Or you try it with a body powder that you lick off your lover’s body. Just let your imagination run wild.
It's in your hands
Remember: your lover is tied up and at your mercy. Once you’ve heated it up properly, you’ll quickly find that it’ll fulfill your every wish from now on. Take advantage of that and make him promise to do the dishes tomorrow – naked! But also make sure that he really does it. If not, then a penalty follows the next day. After all, a bit of education is also part of it.
Intense pleasure pain - if you both really want it
The game is in full swing, and you are both still in it? Good. Then it’s time to take the next step. Inflict tingling pleasure pains on your lover. For example, with a whip or nipple clamps. You can even give him (light) electric shocks if you both like it.
But bondage games don’t necessarily have to do with pain. Take this step together, and only if it’s really fun for both of you.
If the risk of injury puts you off, or you find bondage in general to be too big a step, we have a gentler alternative for you: bind your lover with words. Commanded him to stop using certain parts of his body; he must not oppose you and only move again if you allow it.
That may sound very soft compared to ropes and cords. But give it a try; you’ll see that “Verbal Bondage” has its own charms. Even advanced BDSM users should definitely try it.
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Steal his sight
When your lover can’t see anything, each of your touches becomes a surprise and, therefore, even more intense. Build up the excitement, and don’t let him know what’s next.
4.2 D LIKE DISCIPLINE
The “verbal bondage” actually falls more into the category of discipline. Discipline in bondage means the education of a sub. Missteps by the sub must, of course, be punished. Therefore, the D for discipline can also be read as D for dominance. The cathedral determines both the rules and the penalties for breaking the rules.
Discipline is an important factor in the power relationship between dom and sub and is an essential part of BDSM. We have a few suggestions for you:
Possible commands:
- Get undressed… slowly!
- Touch yourself… without cumming!
- Wait for me at home…naked!
- Let me take a relaxing bath!
- Lick me!
- Eyes closed!
Possible penalties:
- Lick me!
- Clean the bathroom…naked!
- Three slaps on the butt.
- Three lashes on the ass.
- No sex for a week.
- Sex every day for a week.
Possible rewards:
- Sex every day for a week.
- Kiss.
- Praise.
- A sip of sparkling wine.
- Massage.
- Orgasm.
Actually, the step to disciplining is not that big. After all, we’ve all slipped out one or the other order in the heat of the moment. Except that disregard didn’t have major repercussions. It’s up to you to change that now.
4.3 D LIKE DOMINANCE, AND S LIKE SUBMISSION
These two letters of BDSM are best summed up because one cannot do without the other. After all, it needs a dominant and a submissive partner.
The dom is the one who guides the sub, directing his actions and rewarding or punishing him. Exercising sexual power can be highly erotic, but that doesn’t mean he can’t take a few lashes. If he’s into it, the Dom can also give his sub the task of whipping him.
A sub doesn’t just get dominated, and they want it too. The sub is not a victim; he wants to be obedient and demands dominance from his lover. A sub experiences his own submissiveness as much as his partner’s dominance. That’s why trust is absolutely essential for SM, and a code word that can be used to interrupt the game immediately is absolutely essential.
In soft BDSM, it is not uncommon for both partners to swap the roles of dom and sub occasionally and try out what they enjoy more. BDSM advanced users have mostly already found their role and don’t change any more.
Dominance and submission are usually already present in sex life anyway. There is often a more active (dominant) and passive (submissive) part in sex anyway.
In addition, there are of course, very conscious ways to take command in bed. Here are a few examples:
Give orders
to your lover. Reprimand your lover when he is not obedient. If he still hasn’t learned anything, a penalty is due. You are the Dom, and he has to obey you. And if you don’t want to hear, you have to feel.
Tie up your lover
and only untie him again when you want to. Your lover has nothing to report here, even if he starts begging.
Spoil your lover with (gentle) pleasure pain
You decide how long and how intensely you torment your sub. Has he disobeyed you again, even though you’ve already whipped him? Then take the slightly thicker whip. Maybe he sees the old one as a reward afterward…
Physically dominate your sub.
Scratching, gently biting, or hair pulling – it doesn’t have to be that violent. The main thing is that he knows who’s boss afterward.
Dominate him verbally, too
Tell your sub very clearly what you expect from him. And without “please” and “thank you.” You are in charge, and he has to obey you!
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Dirty Talk
No false shyness! From now on, Dirty Talk is your middle name.
You are the boss
That means your sub has to ask your permission for everything he does beforehand. You, on the other hand, can do with him what you feel like doing and when. You decide when the sex starts and when it’s over. Of course, you also decide when and if your sub will have an orgasm. Let him come when he has mastered a task particularly well. But don’t let it become a habit.
With all the shared fun in the game: It’s always over when the code word is called. Trust and respect are the foundations of SM. Never crosses a pain threshold. After all, there are many other ways to dominate your sub.
4.4 S FOR SADISM AND M FOR MASOCHISM
BDSM is often confused with pure SM. But as you know by now, BDSM includes much more than what is ultimately understood by SM.
Sadism is pleasure in inflicting pain on others, while masochism is pleasure in inflicting pain. This pain does not always have to be physical.
Physical pain:
- Hit.
- Bite.
- Pinch.
- Scratch.
Mental pain:
- Offend.
- Humble.
- Arousing jealousy.
A mixture of both:
- The sub must perform degrading sexual acts.
- The sub is also slapped in public.
- The sub must also act against their will in public.
If you find sadism exciting but are not yet able to assess exactly which whiplash causes how much pain, it is better to test it on yourself first. This way, you will learn to assess your strength, and you can also take responsibility for your lover.
If you don’t want to hear, you have to feel.
In sadomasochism, everything is possible. Bite, hit, scratch. You can do pretty much anything with your partner as long as it’s agreed. In addition to whipping, spanking is a very popular variety.
Spanking is basically hitting. In the past, this meant mainly beatings on the buttocks. However, there are also a lot of other body regions where a small smack can trigger erotic tingling. Spanking is a common practice in SM and is used as foreplay or even during direct sex. If you feel like spanking, there are a few things you should consider the first time:
- Choose the right position. The most comfortable is probably doggy style. So you can easily spank your sub’s butt. But make sure that the sub does not suffer any postural damage.
- Take it easy. It’s better to start with short, gentle slaps and gradually increase the intensity of your punches. This way, you can both assess where the limits are and learn to play with them.
- Just hit it with your hand first. Finally, physical contact makes it easier to assess your own strength. Always remember that the pain should only be so strong that both of you enjoy it.
- If you want to use an object for your spanking games, start with your hand first. The “warmed up” skin tolerates the pain better, and the sub can adjust to what awaits him.
- Take a break from time to time. For example, you can take a five-minute break after five shots. You can then fill the break with gentler strokes. Because the same applies to spanking: Variety is good and keeps the tension.
- For now, choose a position where you have as much physical contact as possible. For example, you can put your sub over your knee. If you have gained enough confidence, you can also try a few other positions.
- Sensitivity is particularly important when it comes to spanking. Pay attention to your lover’s reactions. Of course, it’s his job to tell you when it’s getting to be too much for him. Still, it doesn’t hurt if you keep an eye on him. If you feel like he’s losing the fun, take it easy.
- Better start carefully. It’s the first time. Not every limit has to be set right away. If it’s already over after five minutes, that doesn’t mean that you can’t go one step further next time.
- The first-time spanking is exciting for both of you. But as a Dom, you’re the one holding the reins. So make sure you are always having fun with your lover.
- End your first spanking session appropriately. After the beating, you can massage your lover tenderly, for example. Cools the places where it has hit before. This not only cares for the body it also creates closeness and anticipation for the next time.
5 CURIOUS ABOUT BDSM?
If this little overview has gotten you interested in BDSM, don’t get too ambitious. Perhaps you will first integrate elements from BDSM into your “normal” love life. In this way, you can slowly and naturally find out your own limits and preferences and also those of your lover. Experiment with the balance of power and discover together how far you want to go. Then nothing stands in the way of your fun.
Take your time for the first BDSM session. BDSM is not a quickie; enjoy it. Always end your session lovingly. Once you’ve given up your role, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with a round of cuddle sex.
BDSM is a path that you can only walk together. Even the cathedral must never forget that it is not the focus but the game. Everything you do, you do together with complete consent. It can take a while to figure out what you enjoy and what you don’t. Don’t let that discourage you. If you need a little break, just take it and spoil yourself with some good old flower sex.
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